Apparently this week is about learning lessons.  Yesterday the blog was about purging all the negative from my life.  This post was written before, but the end was missing or perhaps I needed to write about purging first.

Asking for and accepting help
Asking for help is so foreign to me that I have been caught totally off-guard during the mastermind when they ask “what do you need help with?” Last week I almost cried. Afterward Lynette Patterson (amazing health coach) talked with me this and not only for things that I need, but things I want. We talked about me also accepting help when it was offered.

Then Paul McIntosh is on Skype the next morning asking “How may I help you?” Freaking me out again. I was raised to do everything myself, I can do home repairs, change the oil in my car etc… because “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” Yet not accepting someone’s offer to help is denying that person’s chance to give. Not asking for help is refusing to allow someone a possibility to give.

New Routine
Trapper Sherwood is helping me in bed (he’ll love that wording) No, his sleep secret is helping me sleep. Then I wake with energy, enthusiasm and joy because of Wendi’s Wake Up Cds. I listened to a program that said when you need more energy to move as much as you can for 2 minutes. You can dance, run in place, jumping jacks, do push-ups, whatever but keep moving for 2 minutes. Not only does it make you have more energy, but gives you a mental and emotional boost.

Now:
I have conflicting coaching opinions on what to do with my website. Frankly the past few weeks have been wearing on me, many internal changes. Asking for and accepting help when I was raised to be self-reliant is incredibly hard.

This is the same as many relationships I had in my past, because I didn’t ask for anything, so was taken for everything I could do.  It opened me up for emotional abuse & abandonment.  So dumping all the negative, and expecting to be treated like I am wonderful and amazing is very cool, but very emotionally charged.  And I am still learning.  Someone told me to practice and ask my readers for something… so here it goes.

PRACTICE ASKING:
First I will ask for something I need.  I was able to get into an awesome and limited JV, and I want to prove to myself  that I can succeed…   Would you please sign up and get a Free DVD?

Now to ask for something I want.  Moody Blues helps me work.  I only have 3 CDs, (Days of Future Passed, Other Side of Life, Keys of the Kingdom) Would you send me some Moody Blues CDs or Mp3?  Here’s a wish button to make it easier, there are more, but those are the ones I know I like.

Thank you to everyone who is helping me make this transition.  Thank you for all the responses to my posts.  It helps me feel more at ease with all that seems to be happening.

Hugs and Love to each of you,
MJ

Some days I feel incredibly energized, and then a bit later I am down in the dumps, & I wonder if something is wrong.   Meanwhile a stack of boxes teeter in the living room.

Each day I look around the house.  The Knick-knacks are being checked, deciding if they have positive memories.  If not they go into a box.  If  the memory is positive I decide to keep it or share it.  The gadgets and gizmos we all have, I decide if I have used them recently or at least have a regular use for them.  No? Into the a box.

The cookie cutters I only use once a year. Yet the green Christmas trees with the non-parels, the yellow stars dusted with sugar, make me very happy. I smile seeing the cutters, in 6 months I’ll use them again.  But the cast iron corn-cob-cornbread pan?  The wok? I haven’t used them in a long time, into the box of Kitchen stuff.

Thus it has been for just over a month.  Other than trash, nothing is being thrown out.  The kitchen box once it was full, I listed it on Freecycle, within 3 days someone picked it up off my porch.  Same with pillows, blankets, even shampoos.  Currently working on filling the newest knick-knack box and office product box.   When they are full, back to Freecycle.

All this purging is emotional.  For years, one of my bedroom walls has been home to a wall covering of a tiger, a latch kit made by my then best friend.  Distance separated us so we don’t talk much anymore.  The tiger still means a lot, but after sitting with it, I realized it was time to let it go.

So I wrapped it up, gave it to my nephew on his graduation. “This was a gift made for me when I graduated, now 19 years later I give it to you,” was the note I wrote.  He ripped into the package, and almost cried when he saw it.  He loved it on my wall, didn’t know I got it when I graduated, now it was his.  He asked if I was sure, his mom, my now best friend asked as well. But it was time to let it go…

And thus with a friend who is very negative.  Something is always wrong, I decided to let her out of my life.  Suddenly I have a new friend, from my youth group years ago.  She’s grown up, positive and great to hang around.

Sunday I decided I was ok with having to let go of my church after just starting to attend again.  She left for the same reason I did, politics, bad politics.  It’s not quitting, it’s not getting rid of, but sometimes things change and sometimes you must let go…  so what do you need to let go of????  And what if letting go means getting something better?

~MJ

I have the following things looking for new homes…  is that home yours?

• DVD ~ capturing Million Dollar Ideas

Books

• 5 Lessons a Millionaire Taught Me by Richard Paul Evans
• Successfully Marketing Print-on-Demand Fiction ~ Austin Camacho
• What should I do with my Life ~ PO Bronson
• How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You ~ Lowndes
• Secrets of a FreeLance Writer ~ Bly

2 boxes of Alive Effervescent 15 Packets from Nature’s Way.  I could not handle the green drink taste.

Why am I listing them here?  I am green, I believe in recycling, freecyling, and spreading love.  These books need new homes, I’d appreciate you sending money to cover shipping if you want one, but I am ok if you don’t.

Bushmills Irish Whiskey

The last item is heavy, 22 inches across, solid wood Bushmills Irish Whiskey sign.  It is from a local bar that closed.  I was going to sell it but decided to see what happens.  Because it is heavy (I haven’t priced shipping) I do want money to cover shipping, unless you are in Dallas metro… and I’ll meet you if you buy me a drink!

Other stuff is getting listed on Freecycle.  If you don’t know about Freecyle, you should check it out.  From Freecyle “It’s a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It’s all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills.”

This list is subject to change if I find more things.  Just comment or Twitter me if you want something from this list.

~ MJ

Some try to tell me,
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be,
You will be in the end
~~ Nights in White Satin ~~ Moody Blues

Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend:
Sunday, went to my old church. I’ve attended a few times recently after several years absence. This Sunday they ask about my past job. They want me to be church bookkeeper. “We’ll have to work on her.” Well, I am no longer a bookkeeper, nor a tax preparer. The priest tells me about the newer computer they have. I don’t do bookkeeping, not for fees especially not for free.

This is followed shortly by “So what do you do now?” I am a consultant and writer. “What do you write about?” or “What kind of consulting?” Starting some Mastermind groups, helping people find the love within and build their business. They look at me like I am crazy. If I answer the writing question, I get a similar look.

My accounting degree was because “you’re good with math” and “you have to get a degree so you can get a job.”  I didn’t believe in jobs at 7, yet a job pays bills was the logic. Accounting is not math. Employers didn’t like ideas that were creative. Men that called me pretty, didn’t like that I was smart.  Is it that strange that my fingernails are long, I like paintball, SciFi, cartoons, roses, and being treated like a lady? But I pretended to be assimilated.

This has been my problem for many years. For 5 years I have wanted to build a business online, yet the offline world looks at me like I am crazy. Twitter and Facebook are helping me build an online circle that helps me know that I can succeed with what my heart desires. My seemingly random tastes are not that uncommon. Besides which I learned how to break out of the mold & swallowed the red pill. I know the truth.

Just what you want to be, You will be in the end
So while they look at me strange, it pushes me farther into the truth. For over 30 years I have complied with what the majority wanted and expected of me. People called me shy as a kid, when I was introspective. Yet, I believed their label for years. I assimilated. Problem is I am not a Borg. Yes, I am a geek by referring to Matrix and Star Trek, still not a Borg.

I am the one and only me. A geek teaching people how to love themselves. Labels are confining but I like geek. In that thought a joke came up, Love Rockstar, it sounds contradictory and makes me smile. I like it. I wrote a flaming letter to my church. Because I will be me, not a shy little bookkeeper, but the Love Rockstar with varied crazy tastes and not afraid to share hugs.

Love
~~MJ
Love Rockstar

Last week I wrote an emotional blog.  To all those who left comments.  Thank you.  Those both touched me, and helped me realize I am on the right path.  Yet, even as I was asking forgiveness for not having done anything, I am still trying to forgive myself. 12 years later, and have not forgiven myself for having lost my only child… Also for the 5 or so years I’ve tried to build a business online, and haven’t yet. Change does not happen over night, no matter how much we want.

A caterpillar is a butterfly in waiting. Thus is life. Thus it is with you, with me, and with everyone in the world.

This week my focus changed. Well, has and hasn’t. After years, I resolved to make it without a j.o.b. when the tax season ended April 15th.  (No income since then) Yet 2 days ago, I saw an ex-co-worker, tax training starts in July.  A horrible wake-up call. A COLD HARD deadline, just one month away. Goal was to make money before training starts.

The desire to RUN AND DO is almost overwhelming, but when I run like that, I do it blind, and make a big mess. So I created a review site this week. Http://info-wizards.com/tattoo. Then started writing articles for another site. But this is still scrambling, un-focused, so I silence myself, and attend a mastermind (Thank you Kim Burney).

Define your goal, your need: Ok. To tell the tax office I will not be training, I need $1000 a month, and will need to grow even more before October. But I need time to study with Bill Hibbler & Ann Collins, finish a book, attend masterminds, help others, visit Montana, and attend seminars.

Define your niche: Repeatedly said here, that all I ever wanted was to write. It’s not really true, helping people has always been first. That’s why I started telling my history. Others have survived worse, but, maybe, just maybe someone will be helped by what I say.

And people keep asking “What do you do?“ Author isn’t me.  Writer isn’t either.  “Helping YOU Find the Love Within” feels like me.

Then my heart opens wide when I think about leading some Mastermind groups. In talking to my group, it’s part of what I need right now, to learn more about others and myself. Soon I hope to have a couple Mastermind groups, including one about “Finding the love within.”

So are you ready to join my mastermind groups? Seriously I am looking, contact me if interested. Yet it stirs my heart, leaves me with time to finish my book “Find the love within” (working title) and start on the next. Somewhere in the course of the week, I decided to embrace a joke. I now own http://LoveRockstar.com No, I haven’t decided what to do with it yet.

Love,
MJ

NEXT WEEK…
At my church  “Some try to tell me, Thoughts they cannot defend,”
But as for me “Just what you want to be, You will be in the end.” ~ Nights in White Satin, Moody Blues

A week ago today, was the start of Unseminar 6.  What a wonderful weekend it was.  There was so much to learn, so many people to meet, and so many people to connect with again.  My life has truly been blessed to spend time with such great, hopeful and beautiful energy. Unseminar 5 was my first.  Unseminar 6 will not be my last.  Yet I have not done anything.  So I must apologize.

Twitter flows with all of these people from 6 taking massive action as soon as they got home.  I did that last year, and fell on my face, bloodied my lip and banged my knees. Monday afternoon I drove Lynette Patterson, Maggie Muldoon, & Tony Laidig to a Trampoline / Mellow Monday Mastermind.  Tuesday, Maggie & I visited the Alamo, and spent 5 ½ hours driving to Greenville, (east of Dallas).

The past two days I could have worked, but instead my thoughts needed to digest.  And with that, I realize it is time to confess.

Today May 29th is my birthday, my 37th. May 22nd 1993 I got married. His words were I love you, you are pretty, his actions said otherwise.  My friends and family weren’t good enough, and slowly I was cut off.  Soon I sat in silence, while he talked with his dad or his best friend.  They ignored almost anything I said.  He didn’t notice when I almost stopped eating, or that I dropped 25 pounds.

For those who saw me this past weekend, that’s 30 pounds less than what I weigh right now.  There wasn’t a bone that you couldn’t see. He didn’t know that I woke up the day I realized I was 3 months pregnant.  It shocked me, attention maybe once a month and I got pregnant.  My plan became to confirm and then disappear.

But 4 days later on my day off as I looked up a doctor to set up an appointment, I miscarried at home.  Alone.  Because he had slowly cut off my friends and family (they don’t care about you) I had no one to call.  In less than 30 minutes I realized I had been 14 weeks pregnant, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t tell anyone for years.  I told my mom 6 years later.

I decided to make the marriage work, telling him we need counseling.  He called his dad, as he always did. They talked for two hours.  I timed it.  Afterwards he avoided the subject, I stopped talking to him.  Three months later, August 1997, we were divorced.  Six months later he was married again.

In the past 11 years, there have been people who used me, bosses that called me names, people have belittled me, business partners that took my money. Generally my dating consisted of one or two dates, and realizing the guy was not good.  Jerks actually.  Jerks who wanted sex (sorry that’s not me).  Jerks who didn’t like my multiple facets.  One Stalker.

You see, it took 11 years (July 20, 2008) for me to realize that I deserved friends, good, positive, joyful friends.  11 years to see that I am beautiful inside and out.  11 years to say I deserve good things, and I deserve to be treated with love and respect.  (I say this as I sit here crying, and I REALLY hate to cry.)

This weekend I learned I deserve a man, who can respect that I am a geek, treat me like a lady, be willing to play (paint ball, video games or even being silly), and cuddle with me, laugh with me when I say something blond.  Most important a man that loves me, for all that I am, and all that I am not.

Today is May 29, 2009, my 37th birthday.  My first birthday.  No.  I haven’t started a project, or finished one.  No I haven’t bought websites, changed my blog or anything else.

Sorry.

Pat, Bill, Craig, Joe, Ann, Eric, Erica, Lee & Ben I am sorry I have not made vast leaps and bounds after Unseminar6 ended.  I am thankful for everything you have taught me, and will continue to teach me.

But I have not done anything yet.  All I have done was think.  Last weekend, everyone asked what is your niche, what is it you do?  Why?

This is my answer “Helping you find the love within” that’s me.  I’ll spread the word, by being me.  Telling people that I stopped using shampoo a month ago, to reduce chemicals.  I’ve started following my heritage by brewing beer.  This is my love within.  My future means helping you find your love within.

I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
MJ

Better than Perfect, and Work v/s Work from the hotel conversation with Tony Laidig and Pat O’Bryan

What is better than perfect? Presenting your finished project. A perfect project sits in the drawing room, while you work to get it to perfection. Where is my book? It sits in my head waiting for perfect sentences, perfect thoughts. What if I do not convey my thoughts correctly? Yet there is no such thing as perfect, and life is too short to seek it. Get your project to a good level, release it, then smooth the rough edges as you notice. Most projects online and offline can be worked on later. And sometimes it’s the rough edges that people like.

This means your life will flow easier and smoother, rather than stressing over details. This can make the difference between work and work   We often view work as something burdensome. Yet if that task is something we enjoy, even if it is work, we don’t think of it the same way. Tony said how many hours he works each day. Pat and I stared in amazement, it was a lot more than either of us expected. Yet he explained that it was mostly doing things he enjoyed. Yesterday, I saw a commercial, Jim Koch of Samuel Adams Beer, say a quote by Confucius “Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Isn’t that the best goal?

For a few years I was a bookkeeper. Hated everything about my life at that time, in large part due to the job. It effected everything. I wasted money, dated a guy I shouldn’t have, because I was rebelling against the job.  They paid me, so I forced myself to be happy at work, while my life fell apart.

Currently, my income is very little. Yes, I hope (and pray) that soon I will make income, to support myself, my furry children and move. Yet, I am a writer.  Something I can say with a note of pride.  It’s makes me smile, and feel warm all over.

Where are you?  Are you rebelling against your job?  Or does your job not feel like work?  Are you striving endlessly for perfection, locking yourself away from your dreams?  Or deciding to ease and up and allow things to happen?

I am a writer.  I write about internal love.  I am the perfect me, and I write the best works by me. What about you?

Love,
~ MJ

Covering: Hiding your light, Disappearing Germans, Fear of Rejection (Part 2 of The Hotel Conversation)

Yes, last week was rather a quick list of thoughts that way I could spill my brain and hope that I cover everything that needs to be covered. There are some secrets I learned that I will not be sharing. Sorry. Then there are some secrets I will be sharing.

Soon after a round of hugs, Pat O’Bryan asked, “As my grandmother would say Why do you hide your light beneath a bushel.’” Odd thing for him to say soon after I arrive. Yet, several people have asked me similar questions lately. Like Twenty asked me on Vision Quest Radio, “You’ve got a lot going on inside, tell me some things.” Why don’t you share what is inside you. You are denying the world the story inside of you…

While I was walking Luna the next morning I thought about that repetitious statement. Then a second question came to mind. Pat and Tony Laidig asked where in Germany my dad’s family was from, yet the answer is unknown, although both families came over around the 1900s; Dad’s parents were both born stateside.  They had brothers and sisters born in Germany. Grandad’s parents ran away from Germany, changed their name from Schröeder to Schrader and never looked back. Grandmother’s family claims their German heritage but not a city. Secrets hid for generations.

On my mom’s side things aren’t much better. My Granddaddy had to marry Granny in secret. His mother threw away the engagement ring. Add into the secrets, was an ongoing family tradition of meanness even hatred. When my Grandad died, I didn’t grieve for him. He was cold, and mean, but I grieved the lost connection to my Grandmother, who passed when I was little.

Then I recall that some things are passed generation to generation. Meanness and secrets. The secrets were bred from avoiding hatred and meanness. The black sheep in the family were the ones teaching openness and love.

Pat said to Tony, “I bet you a nickel she fears rejection.” In retrospect, it’s not fear of rejection for me. Rejection has become part of my life, because I was always doing things differently, partly because my brain functions differently (dyslexia).  My two grandmothers debated how I sat on the floor as a 3 year old, one saying I did it incorrectly, the other saying that’s just how she sits. There are family members who think I should never date because I got a divorce. More meanness, more secrets.

I choose to write about love to fight the hatred and meanness. I choose to self publish because I want the independence to say what’s in my heart. I choose to use the writing name of Cierra James to give myself room, because it’s going to take a while to get comfortable with generations of secrets. And I choose to start being more open.

First secret: on my dad’s side, I am third generation German, in that heritage I am learning to brew beer.

Now, I ask for you to leave comments, please share with me:

What is your heritage?
What is your legacy?
How can you share your light?

Armand Morin Live is being held in Dallas this weekend. This is a huge seminar I found out about last week, only because people were twittering about it. During the course of the week, I talked to Tony Laidig about getting together while he was here. I live an hour east of Dallas.

Well it takes just over an hour to get to DFW… but that would be DFW North. DFW is huge, because I was sure I knew which hotel he was at, I didn’t get directions. Yes, another point of brilliance. So the trip took over 90 minutes.

But well worth it!

When I got to the hotel restaurant, Tony Laidig was sharing a table with Pat O’Bryan. For those who do not know; Tony is THE Public Domain Expert. Pat is the KING creating a Portable Empire. He is also the sponsor of Unseminar 6, which I plan on attending next month. In other words 2 awesome men loving life defined by parameters that are different than the “accepted norm” of having the confines of J.O.B.s and money-less lives.

Locally I have friends who have 1 or 2 of the features not the combination. Locally everyone I know abides by the only way to make a living is by having a job and just scraping by. This is not my life. What I expected was to hang out. Spend time with people I care about, who are positive, hopeful, intelligent, and again outside the “accepted norm.”

Yet what happened in just a few hours was far from just spending time with friends. Within an hour my skull was cracked open and these 2 gents were pouring ideas straight into my brain. Then Pat left to smoke a cigar, leaving Tony and I talking. Unknown to Pat, although perhaps known to Tony, since he starting hitting more of them, they uncovered some roadblocks I have had. Most of the blocks are within myself, mental, emotional and other.

A year ago, I still introduced myself as Martha.  I was dating a man, who I saw maybe twice a month, but a dead relationship. Working from home was a failed dream. Now I am MJ. That man is still in my life because he owes a debt in my name. And while I haven’t made a living working from home, it’s once again a goal. Being portable, making money while traveling and living some place remote IS my future.

In some future blogs I will be discussing some of the following topics. Should I go in order or do some titles just jump out? Please share some comments.

Topics from last night

• Hiding your light under a bushel
• Cleaning Horse Stalls
• Ska music
• The disappearing Germans
• Better than Perfect
• Work v/s Work
• Stuff ‘n Things
• Fear of Rejection
• It’s all about Networking
• Your world
• Oh for the love of Scotch
• So we are all sinners…
• Far from home
• Visions of the future
• Loving yourself
• Unpredictable
• Changing stripes

Topics from this morning (further insights from last night, a chat with a friend and listening to Twenty Twenty.

• Friends with Benefits
• Social Media Friends
• Kick a$$ weekend
• Clearing Poisons
• Debts vs pain
• Impacting
• We all need help
• Above and beyond

This is the last “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” post, (at least for a while). Today is purely off the cuff.  No carefully thought out plan of what this blog will cover. Here it is Lent, and my goal is to eliminate negative thinking. Yet, of late anger and deep frustration have been trying to push themselves into my day. So this blog will be about dealing with the “Negative Thinking” that arises from that.

A huge kink was thrown my way Friday, and caused me a great deal of pain. Because of certain situations, finishing my book has been stalled until after April 15th. Bummer because I was nearing completion. But work and my writing are in conflict.

Unfortunately it seems I don’t do enough work, never mind the more work I do, the more I get paid. Since I have plans to travel this summer, income is very important. Try as I might, the German blood in me begins to boil. Anger seeps into my being. Yet, as my blood boils I recall that blind anger is Negative Thinking.

How easy it would be to lash out, yell out my feelings. Another worker brags about her home business with every other client has worked on it at the office. Anything I have done has been done by my co-workers in forms. What I say and do is turned in and turned against me. It’s seems unfair.

Yet, this is part of life. Life is not fair. There are things that make us want to scream, that cause deep frustration, and make your anger flare. The easy route is to embrace those feelings and follow the instincts that follow.

No, I am not sleeping well, haven’t in over two weeks. But as I got called into the office again, my anger flared, and I caught myself. Closed my eyes for a brief moment, and realized “this too shall pass.” It was time to stop, think beyond this moment, and not create more negative thinking.

Follow my temper, then I would feel worse. Management would then be upset. My co-workers could then get into trouble. Then management, my co-workers and I would all go out into the world and spread more negative…

Wait.

That’s not a good thing.

Instead, I will embrace whatever they tell me. Hopefully my last three days of work will be extremely busy. When it’s not busy, I can think about things to write later. Maybe I can get in some reading. This week I will bring in some brownies. Maybe I’ll make some appetizer.

On April 15th I will thank my boss for another tax season. Pay my co-workers compliments. They are wonderful people. There is a great deal of beauty and love inside each of them. Rather than see the negative, I will choose. I choose to see all the wonder, and amazing values each of them brings. So “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” by controlling the anger, frustration and choose to see the positive.

Love
MJ