Some try to tell me,
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be,
You will be in the end
~~ Nights in White Satin ~~ Moody Blues

Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend:
Sunday, went to my old church. I’ve attended a few times recently after several years absence. This Sunday they ask about my past job. They want me to be church bookkeeper. “We’ll have to work on her.” Well, I am no longer a bookkeeper, nor a tax preparer. The priest tells me about the newer computer they have. I don’t do bookkeeping, not for fees especially not for free.

This is followed shortly by “So what do you do now?” I am a consultant and writer. “What do you write about?” or “What kind of consulting?” Starting some Mastermind groups, helping people find the love within and build their business. They look at me like I am crazy. If I answer the writing question, I get a similar look.

My accounting degree was because “you’re good with math” and “you have to get a degree so you can get a job.”  I didn’t believe in jobs at 7, yet a job pays bills was the logic. Accounting is not math. Employers didn’t like ideas that were creative. Men that called me pretty, didn’t like that I was smart.  Is it that strange that my fingernails are long, I like paintball, SciFi, cartoons, roses, and being treated like a lady? But I pretended to be assimilated.

This has been my problem for many years. For 5 years I have wanted to build a business online, yet the offline world looks at me like I am crazy. Twitter and Facebook are helping me build an online circle that helps me know that I can succeed with what my heart desires. My seemingly random tastes are not that uncommon. Besides which I learned how to break out of the mold & swallowed the red pill. I know the truth.

Just what you want to be, You will be in the end
So while they look at me strange, it pushes me farther into the truth. For over 30 years I have complied with what the majority wanted and expected of me. People called me shy as a kid, when I was introspective. Yet, I believed their label for years. I assimilated. Problem is I am not a Borg. Yes, I am a geek by referring to Matrix and Star Trek, still not a Borg.

I am the one and only me. A geek teaching people how to love themselves. Labels are confining but I like geek. In that thought a joke came up, Love Rockstar, it sounds contradictory and makes me smile. I like it. I wrote a flaming letter to my church. Because I will be me, not a shy little bookkeeper, but the Love Rockstar with varied crazy tastes and not afraid to share hugs.

Love
~~MJ
Love Rockstar

Last week I wrote an emotional blog.  To all those who left comments.  Thank you.  Those both touched me, and helped me realize I am on the right path.  Yet, even as I was asking forgiveness for not having done anything, I am still trying to forgive myself. 12 years later, and have not forgiven myself for having lost my only child… Also for the 5 or so years I’ve tried to build a business online, and haven’t yet. Change does not happen over night, no matter how much we want.

A caterpillar is a butterfly in waiting. Thus is life. Thus it is with you, with me, and with everyone in the world.

This week my focus changed. Well, has and hasn’t. After years, I resolved to make it without a j.o.b. when the tax season ended April 15th.  (No income since then) Yet 2 days ago, I saw an ex-co-worker, tax training starts in July.  A horrible wake-up call. A COLD HARD deadline, just one month away. Goal was to make money before training starts.

The desire to RUN AND DO is almost overwhelming, but when I run like that, I do it blind, and make a big mess. So I created a review site this week. Http://info-wizards.com/tattoo. Then started writing articles for another site. But this is still scrambling, un-focused, so I silence myself, and attend a mastermind (Thank you Kim Burney).

Define your goal, your need: Ok. To tell the tax office I will not be training, I need $1000 a month, and will need to grow even more before October. But I need time to study with Bill Hibbler & Ann Collins, finish a book, attend masterminds, help others, visit Montana, and attend seminars.

Define your niche: Repeatedly said here, that all I ever wanted was to write. It’s not really true, helping people has always been first. That’s why I started telling my history. Others have survived worse, but, maybe, just maybe someone will be helped by what I say.

And people keep asking “What do you do?“ Author isn’t me.  Writer isn’t either.  “Helping YOU Find the Love Within” feels like me.

Then my heart opens wide when I think about leading some Mastermind groups. In talking to my group, it’s part of what I need right now, to learn more about others and myself. Soon I hope to have a couple Mastermind groups, including one about “Finding the love within.”

So are you ready to join my mastermind groups? Seriously I am looking, contact me if interested. Yet it stirs my heart, leaves me with time to finish my book “Find the love within” (working title) and start on the next. Somewhere in the course of the week, I decided to embrace a joke. I now own http://LoveRockstar.com No, I haven’t decided what to do with it yet.

Love,
MJ

NEXT WEEK…
At my church  “Some try to tell me, Thoughts they cannot defend,”
But as for me “Just what you want to be, You will be in the end.” ~ Nights in White Satin, Moody Blues

A week ago today, was the start of Unseminar 6.  What a wonderful weekend it was.  There was so much to learn, so many people to meet, and so many people to connect with again.  My life has truly been blessed to spend time with such great, hopeful and beautiful energy. Unseminar 5 was my first.  Unseminar 6 will not be my last.  Yet I have not done anything.  So I must apologize.

Twitter flows with all of these people from 6 taking massive action as soon as they got home.  I did that last year, and fell on my face, bloodied my lip and banged my knees. Monday afternoon I drove Lynette Patterson, Maggie Muldoon, & Tony Laidig to a Trampoline / Mellow Monday Mastermind.  Tuesday, Maggie & I visited the Alamo, and spent 5 ½ hours driving to Greenville, (east of Dallas).

The past two days I could have worked, but instead my thoughts needed to digest.  And with that, I realize it is time to confess.

Today May 29th is my birthday, my 37th. May 22nd 1993 I got married. His words were I love you, you are pretty, his actions said otherwise.  My friends and family weren’t good enough, and slowly I was cut off.  Soon I sat in silence, while he talked with his dad or his best friend.  They ignored almost anything I said.  He didn’t notice when I almost stopped eating, or that I dropped 25 pounds.

For those who saw me this past weekend, that’s 30 pounds less than what I weigh right now.  There wasn’t a bone that you couldn’t see. He didn’t know that I woke up the day I realized I was 3 months pregnant.  It shocked me, attention maybe once a month and I got pregnant.  My plan became to confirm and then disappear.

But 4 days later on my day off as I looked up a doctor to set up an appointment, I miscarried at home.  Alone.  Because he had slowly cut off my friends and family (they don’t care about you) I had no one to call.  In less than 30 minutes I realized I had been 14 weeks pregnant, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t tell anyone for years.  I told my mom 6 years later.

I decided to make the marriage work, telling him we need counseling.  He called his dad, as he always did. They talked for two hours.  I timed it.  Afterwards he avoided the subject, I stopped talking to him.  Three months later, August 1997, we were divorced.  Six months later he was married again.

In the past 11 years, there have been people who used me, bosses that called me names, people have belittled me, business partners that took my money. Generally my dating consisted of one or two dates, and realizing the guy was not good.  Jerks actually.  Jerks who wanted sex (sorry that’s not me).  Jerks who didn’t like my multiple facets.  One Stalker.

You see, it took 11 years (July 20, 2008) for me to realize that I deserved friends, good, positive, joyful friends.  11 years to see that I am beautiful inside and out.  11 years to say I deserve good things, and I deserve to be treated with love and respect.  (I say this as I sit here crying, and I REALLY hate to cry.)

This weekend I learned I deserve a man, who can respect that I am a geek, treat me like a lady, be willing to play (paint ball, video games or even being silly), and cuddle with me, laugh with me when I say something blond.  Most important a man that loves me, for all that I am, and all that I am not.

Today is May 29, 2009, my 37th birthday.  My first birthday.  No.  I haven’t started a project, or finished one.  No I haven’t bought websites, changed my blog or anything else.

Sorry.

Pat, Bill, Craig, Joe, Ann, Eric, Erica, Lee & Ben I am sorry I have not made vast leaps and bounds after Unseminar6 ended.  I am thankful for everything you have taught me, and will continue to teach me.

But I have not done anything yet.  All I have done was think.  Last weekend, everyone asked what is your niche, what is it you do?  Why?

This is my answer “Helping you find the love within” that’s me.  I’ll spread the word, by being me.  Telling people that I stopped using shampoo a month ago, to reduce chemicals.  I’ve started following my heritage by brewing beer.  This is my love within.  My future means helping you find your love within.

I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
MJ

Better than Perfect, and Work v/s Work from the hotel conversation with Tony Laidig and Pat O’Bryan

What is better than perfect? Presenting your finished project. A perfect project sits in the drawing room, while you work to get it to perfection. Where is my book? It sits in my head waiting for perfect sentences, perfect thoughts. What if I do not convey my thoughts correctly? Yet there is no such thing as perfect, and life is too short to seek it. Get your project to a good level, release it, then smooth the rough edges as you notice. Most projects online and offline can be worked on later. And sometimes it’s the rough edges that people like.

This means your life will flow easier and smoother, rather than stressing over details. This can make the difference between work and work   We often view work as something burdensome. Yet if that task is something we enjoy, even if it is work, we don’t think of it the same way. Tony said how many hours he works each day. Pat and I stared in amazement, it was a lot more than either of us expected. Yet he explained that it was mostly doing things he enjoyed. Yesterday, I saw a commercial, Jim Koch of Samuel Adams Beer, say a quote by Confucius “Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Isn’t that the best goal?

For a few years I was a bookkeeper. Hated everything about my life at that time, in large part due to the job. It effected everything. I wasted money, dated a guy I shouldn’t have, because I was rebelling against the job.  They paid me, so I forced myself to be happy at work, while my life fell apart.

Currently, my income is very little. Yes, I hope (and pray) that soon I will make income, to support myself, my furry children and move. Yet, I am a writer.  Something I can say with a note of pride.  It’s makes me smile, and feel warm all over.

Where are you?  Are you rebelling against your job?  Or does your job not feel like work?  Are you striving endlessly for perfection, locking yourself away from your dreams?  Or deciding to ease and up and allow things to happen?

I am a writer.  I write about internal love.  I am the perfect me, and I write the best works by me. What about you?

Love,
~ MJ

Covering: Hiding your light, Disappearing Germans, Fear of Rejection (Part 2 of The Hotel Conversation)

Yes, last week was rather a quick list of thoughts that way I could spill my brain and hope that I cover everything that needs to be covered. There are some secrets I learned that I will not be sharing. Sorry. Then there are some secrets I will be sharing.

Soon after a round of hugs, Pat O’Bryan asked, “As my grandmother would say Why do you hide your light beneath a bushel.’” Odd thing for him to say soon after I arrive. Yet, several people have asked me similar questions lately. Like Twenty asked me on Vision Quest Radio, “You’ve got a lot going on inside, tell me some things.” Why don’t you share what is inside you. You are denying the world the story inside of you…

While I was walking Luna the next morning I thought about that repetitious statement. Then a second question came to mind. Pat and Tony Laidig asked where in Germany my dad’s family was from, yet the answer is unknown, although both families came over around the 1900s; Dad’s parents were both born stateside.  They had brothers and sisters born in Germany. Grandad’s parents ran away from Germany, changed their name from Schröeder to Schrader and never looked back. Grandmother’s family claims their German heritage but not a city. Secrets hid for generations.

On my mom’s side things aren’t much better. My Granddaddy had to marry Granny in secret. His mother threw away the engagement ring. Add into the secrets, was an ongoing family tradition of meanness even hatred. When my Grandad died, I didn’t grieve for him. He was cold, and mean, but I grieved the lost connection to my Grandmother, who passed when I was little.

Then I recall that some things are passed generation to generation. Meanness and secrets. The secrets were bred from avoiding hatred and meanness. The black sheep in the family were the ones teaching openness and love.

Pat said to Tony, “I bet you a nickel she fears rejection.” In retrospect, it’s not fear of rejection for me. Rejection has become part of my life, because I was always doing things differently, partly because my brain functions differently (dyslexia).  My two grandmothers debated how I sat on the floor as a 3 year old, one saying I did it incorrectly, the other saying that’s just how she sits. There are family members who think I should never date because I got a divorce. More meanness, more secrets.

I choose to write about love to fight the hatred and meanness. I choose to self publish because I want the independence to say what’s in my heart. I choose to use the writing name of Cierra James to give myself room, because it’s going to take a while to get comfortable with generations of secrets. And I choose to start being more open.

First secret: on my dad’s side, I am third generation German, in that heritage I am learning to brew beer.

Now, I ask for you to leave comments, please share with me:

What is your heritage?
What is your legacy?
How can you share your light?

Armand Morin Live is being held in Dallas this weekend. This is a huge seminar I found out about last week, only because people were twittering about it. During the course of the week, I talked to Tony Laidig about getting together while he was here. I live an hour east of Dallas.

Well it takes just over an hour to get to DFW… but that would be DFW North. DFW is huge, because I was sure I knew which hotel he was at, I didn’t get directions. Yes, another point of brilliance. So the trip took over 90 minutes.

But well worth it!

When I got to the hotel restaurant, Tony Laidig was sharing a table with Pat O’Bryan. For those who do not know; Tony is THE Public Domain Expert. Pat is the KING creating a Portable Empire. He is also the sponsor of Unseminar 6, which I plan on attending next month. In other words 2 awesome men loving life defined by parameters that are different than the “accepted norm” of having the confines of J.O.B.s and money-less lives.

Locally I have friends who have 1 or 2 of the features not the combination. Locally everyone I know abides by the only way to make a living is by having a job and just scraping by. This is not my life. What I expected was to hang out. Spend time with people I care about, who are positive, hopeful, intelligent, and again outside the “accepted norm.”

Yet what happened in just a few hours was far from just spending time with friends. Within an hour my skull was cracked open and these 2 gents were pouring ideas straight into my brain. Then Pat left to smoke a cigar, leaving Tony and I talking. Unknown to Pat, although perhaps known to Tony, since he starting hitting more of them, they uncovered some roadblocks I have had. Most of the blocks are within myself, mental, emotional and other.

A year ago, I still introduced myself as Martha.  I was dating a man, who I saw maybe twice a month, but a dead relationship. Working from home was a failed dream. Now I am MJ. That man is still in my life because he owes a debt in my name. And while I haven’t made a living working from home, it’s once again a goal. Being portable, making money while traveling and living some place remote IS my future.

In some future blogs I will be discussing some of the following topics. Should I go in order or do some titles just jump out? Please share some comments.

Topics from last night

• Hiding your light under a bushel
• Cleaning Horse Stalls
• Ska music
• The disappearing Germans
• Better than Perfect
• Work v/s Work
• Stuff ‘n Things
• Fear of Rejection
• It’s all about Networking
• Your world
• Oh for the love of Scotch
• So we are all sinners…
• Far from home
• Visions of the future
• Loving yourself
• Unpredictable
• Changing stripes

Topics from this morning (further insights from last night, a chat with a friend and listening to Twenty Twenty.

• Friends with Benefits
• Social Media Friends
• Kick a$$ weekend
• Clearing Poisons
• Debts vs pain
• Impacting
• We all need help
• Above and beyond

This is the last “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” post, (at least for a while). Today is purely off the cuff.  No carefully thought out plan of what this blog will cover. Here it is Lent, and my goal is to eliminate negative thinking. Yet, of late anger and deep frustration have been trying to push themselves into my day. So this blog will be about dealing with the “Negative Thinking” that arises from that.

A huge kink was thrown my way Friday, and caused me a great deal of pain. Because of certain situations, finishing my book has been stalled until after April 15th. Bummer because I was nearing completion. But work and my writing are in conflict.

Unfortunately it seems I don’t do enough work, never mind the more work I do, the more I get paid. Since I have plans to travel this summer, income is very important. Try as I might, the German blood in me begins to boil. Anger seeps into my being. Yet, as my blood boils I recall that blind anger is Negative Thinking.

How easy it would be to lash out, yell out my feelings. Another worker brags about her home business with every other client has worked on it at the office. Anything I have done has been done by my co-workers in forms. What I say and do is turned in and turned against me. It’s seems unfair.

Yet, this is part of life. Life is not fair. There are things that make us want to scream, that cause deep frustration, and make your anger flare. The easy route is to embrace those feelings and follow the instincts that follow.

No, I am not sleeping well, haven’t in over two weeks. But as I got called into the office again, my anger flared, and I caught myself. Closed my eyes for a brief moment, and realized “this too shall pass.” It was time to stop, think beyond this moment, and not create more negative thinking.

Follow my temper, then I would feel worse. Management would then be upset. My co-workers could then get into trouble. Then management, my co-workers and I would all go out into the world and spread more negative…

Wait.

That’s not a good thing.

Instead, I will embrace whatever they tell me. Hopefully my last three days of work will be extremely busy. When it’s not busy, I can think about things to write later. Maybe I can get in some reading. This week I will bring in some brownies. Maybe I’ll make some appetizer.

On April 15th I will thank my boss for another tax season. Pay my co-workers compliments. They are wonderful people. There is a great deal of beauty and love inside each of them. Rather than see the negative, I will choose. I choose to see all the wonder, and amazing values each of them brings. So “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” by controlling the anger, frustration and choose to see the positive.

Love
MJ

Yes, another week in Lent brings another “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” blog post. Special thanks to Joan Adams and Lynette Patterson who inspired “Celebrate Moments.” This series ends April 11th, as Lent ends, then just 4 days later my job ends. While it would be easy for me to say I am thinking nothing but positive thoughts about this, that would be a lie.

Work has not been as busy as I need it to be. There have been incidents that make me realize this is not where I need to be. I have had times when I wish this season was already over, yet that leaves me wondering what to do afterwards. The plan is to have a book finished, but it is still not done. Then the question of will enough copies sell to support me over the summer, and grow enough to make a living. Add into the mix my ex-boyfriend owes me money and whines with each minimal payment. Cross country and some shorter trips over the summer are in my plans, which require both time and money. All of these stress my physical and mental health.

Yet, there are numerous blessings, albeit some disquised. There have been some wonderful repeat clients, whom make me want to stay. Work being slower has given me more time to write. While I am not done, I have never gotten this far in writing a book. With the end of season pay and the book finished, I can have time to write another book, or find my way to pay bills. I reunited with someone online who intriques me, although I haven’t yet told him I’d like to meet him again. He lives cross country, so it will surprise him. Not having traveled much, these cross country trips are exciting.

Life is like that. It’s a mixed bag, no life is 100% bad, yet it’s easy to get focused on all the bad things and forget about the good. Then negative thinking multiplies allowing you to focus on more negative. But there are inspirations and great things everywhere, and in the things you do. Inspire yourself, by looking for the good.

Celebrate something large or small that you did that was great. You made a client smile. You finished a project. You helped someone. Give yourself a present, 10 minutes on a video game, 10 minutes of reading for pleasure. “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” by finding someway or something to make you think positive. Whisper to someone, even if you have to stare into your own eyes in the mirror, “I love you.” Then Celebrate the beauty in life, reward yourself for the good you bring!

I LOVE YOU!
~ MJ

The fourth week of “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” brings us to Faking Positive Thinking.  A special thanks to Simone Blum who helped me decide on a slightly lighter topic for this week. She is a great person to follow on Twitter.

The past two weeks were some of the consequences of negative thinking. The making poor choices, falling into or back into addictions, and suicide are serious problems that negative thinking can bring.

You must make choices that better for you. Making changes for the world is too big. Think positive and light up YOUR WORLD.  But if you think about the people in your world, your family (not necessarily by blood), your friends, your acquaintances and the people whose lives you touch unknown by you, that IS YOUR WORLD.

By thinking negative, you effect not only yourself but everyone in your world. It is ripples in a pond. Ever walk down the street and someone gives you a big smile. Suddenly you find yourself smiling? Those are the ripples in the pond…. or the invisible threads of the spiderweb from last week’s blog.

It is not the big things that make or break the world, it is the small ones. You are having a bad day, everything seems to be going wrong. It is easy to drift into negative thoughts. But as difficult as it seems, that is the time to think positive. If you can’t think of anything to be positive about fake it.

Put on a friendly smile, wear it for a while. It seems the brain can not tell the difference a genuine and fake smile. Either case the brain releases endorphins, serotonin and natural painkillers which work to make you feel better. Turn on your MP3 player or favorite radio station to give your mood a further boost.

Some stresses in life are too big to stop your stress and worry with simple methods. The best solution is then to consciously distract your mind from the current situation. This can be done by watching a favorite happy movie, playing a video game, or breaking from normal routines to do something that keeps your mind active.

Changing your thoughts can give enough time or distance from a situation to either help you forget what caused the negative thoughts or help you see the more positive aspects. Either way you help your perspective and possibly help other people who’s lives you touch in big and small ways. So smile today, even if you don’t mean it. Find the flower growing in the sidewalk and rejoice in it. And “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking.”

Hugs,
MJ

This is the third in the “Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking” series, and this is the one that I have had the hardest time motivating myself to write. Last week I scratched the surface in dealing with Negative Thoughts and how sometimes those propel us to use unwise solutions. Yet there is a need to further elaborate, which has been my hesitation…

Life sometimes presents challenges that seem greater than we can bear. The news is quick to say how bad the current situation is, truth be told, this is not new and we all go through bad times. Then life seems so unbearable, and some chose a fatal and final decision. That decision can never be undone.

The thought crossed my mind many times over the years, yet ending one life only leaves holes, and hurts, and problems for others. So at various times when I hear of a suicide I grieve for both the ones left behind, and the ones who will never know the value of that life.  In the past weeks I’ve realized how close I stood at that cliff and how important a life is.

Our lives are like spider webs, spreading wide with almost invisible threads, touching more than what we see and more than realized. A suicide is like ripping that spiderweb down, the connections ever changed. Maybe you think your life is small, insignificant. Yet, your family needs you, and is touched in both big and small ways. Your friends see reflections of themselves in your life. Your existence brings joy, comfort and happiness, even when you don’t see it. But your life hardly stops there.

The people who you call acquaintances, who see or hear from you semi-regularly, feel your presence in their routines. While seemingly minor, it isn’t. A mail clerk died last year, while I hated waiting in line, his happiness made the wait pleasant, and I enjoyed his smile and laughter. I didn’t even know his name. While that was a clerk I saw regularly; your life still continues forward, to people you don’t even know.

In 1996, while my then-husband and father in law ignored me, I walked to the fast-food bathroom in deep despair. A lady walked up to me, her eyes darted to their table, and back to me. She touched my hand, and whispered “You deserve better…” she paused until my eyes met hers and then smiled. Three words. No my life didn’t change radically because of those words, but I remembered them, and recalled them many times.

Janelle Kleppin shared a story with me. “I ran into a gal who remembered a song I wrote and sang in church 36 yrs ago; she said it touched her & she never forgot. I had no idea anybody remembered me, let alone remembering my song – she said she still sings it. Blew me away, totally.” Janelle’s life touched someone 36 years prior, and the other lady touches others because of Janelle.

Another friend, told me about former students who hug her and “was just shocked they made the move to hug me in front of the other students . . . tough kids don’t do that . . . emotion is a weakness and you risk getting made fun of if you’re caught doing something like that and risk getting into a fight to defend your rep, but they didn’t care . . . hugging me after six-years meant that much.”

Your life touches people, and those people touch others. And while you may have days where you think your life is unimportant, and that you are so very far from perfect, it’s not true. Let’s Eliminate the Negative Thoughts. Your life touches people near and far, in big and small ways. Your life experiences have created the person you are today, and while you may marvel at the ways someone is better than you… they didn’t have your life experiences in the same way you did. And that is what makes you … the perfect you.

Love,
MJ